Touse, with Camilla Barking-Phillerupp

My dear readers, I would rather you were familiar with the truth from the very onset of my commentary - this skiing lark is a relatively new one to me. Left to my own devices I would much prefer riding something with four legs. Or two, for that matter. Unfortunately, it has been a very long time since I could lay claim to that. But I digress…

The very idea of sliding down the face of a mountain completely unaided by domestic servants and with nothing but two planks strapped to one's feet strikes me as utterly preposterous. But Daddy said it would be beneficial in the building of character and Daddy always knows best. As a result, I found myself in Touse; the southernmost major ski resort in the Unethical States of America. I say major - by European standards, Touse is little more than a blot on the already blotted colonial horizon. But one cannot reasonably expect too much from a country that has only existed for thirty-three years.

When one finds a rusted aluminium can here one has probably stumbled across one of the greatest historical treasures the nation has to offer. But one would not be able to convey one's delight anyway, as the locals insist on referring to aluminium as "alloominumm." Bloody colonials....

Worse still is the fact that Touse is not even properly American, perching as it does in the cultural and geographical wastelands of New Mexico. Not only will one hear tongues unrecognisable to the English ear, one must also contend with some truly blasphemous culinary concoctions.

Ninety-nine percent of foodstuffs offered in New Mexico appear to have been digested at least once previous to their being served onto one's plate. And, as far as I could discern, the only difference between the various "food" is the way these pseudo-colonials fold the tortilla. Where else would one accept "refried beans" as anything more than substitute polyfilla?

It is at this point that I realise I have not imparted much about the skiing in Touse. Well, my greatest recommendation for the area is that the people collectively referred to as "boarders" have been banned from the mountain. The subsequent catch to this recommendation, however, is that the people collectively referred to as "Americans" have not been.

Should you be suffering from constipation, though, Touse and its various nutrimental nightmares will soon have your problems solved. And should the food not have you running for the lavatory, the location will soon have you running for the airport…